Only in America
- Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
- Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.
"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."
* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of November.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.