Sandhills Sammy told us he would get us his asstrological certainties and occasional observations of heavenly, whoops I mean Celestial bodies, by Fridays. But we ain't to sure Sandhills Sammy has a calendar or even cares if it's Friday or not. Since obviously it is not. We just like hearin from him once in awhile. So once again we are fortunate enough to be able to present Sandhills Sammy's weekly forecast:
Aries march 21-April 19
Your still a Ram and your ruling planet is still Mars. That hasn't changed o.k. It ain't never gonna change you are a Ram. Somebody you care about will give you flack this week. Tell em to Ram it.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Have you reveled in enough delicious excess yet? Ah being the Taurus that you are we think not. We think you are probably drooling over that new little GPS gadget you hope to get for fathers day. Bet your ol lady grabs ya by the ring in your nose and says “BULL.” If not you can bet she is thinking it.
Gemini May 21-June 21
Jeez are you and your twin still here? Are you even sure your a twin? Are you sure you didn't just look in a mirror and go, “Oh my God, I'm twins?” Next week try real hard not to multiply o.k. If you became triplets the cosmological balance would shift and if we have to kick you out of the cosmos to balance things out we gonna do it.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Bitch Bitch Bitch. Jeez you really are a crab ain't ya. You know, just because your sign indicates you are a crabby lunatic it doesn't mean you have to take this stuff serious o.k. Take a bottle of Valuim and go to bed. Your even irritating your motorcycle.
Leo July 23-August 22
The next week should be awesome for you. Many good things will happen. And boy howdy if you believe that I gots some sand to sell ya. If you only knew. Oh Lord, I'm so glad I am not going to be a Leo this coming week. We will pray for you o.k.
Virgo August 23-September 22
Listen up o.k. I consulted with a few Oracles and we all agreed, this Virgin stuff has got to quit. Your giving biker chicks a bad name. Riding around on your shiny bike in your shiny leathers, nothing looking used. The stars appear to indicate that you should allow your self to be used next week. I'll send you my number and get the ketchup out.
Libra September 23-October 22
Are you still Blonde? Are you still a pair? Then I got a question for you? When you checked your motorcycle tires on your last ride did you put a pair of air in them. If not do so this upcoming week. If you can't figure out how to get a pair of air through that little hosey thing just stop into a gas station with an attendant and ask for two cans of air. Yeah that ought to do it.
Scorpio October 23-November 21
I thought we mashed you between your two planets, Mars and Jupiter. Obviously we overlooked something. Guess we will just have to mash you between a Beemer and a Triumph.
Sagittarius Nov 22 Dec 21
The stars are telling us that there are still a few places that haven't yet told you to get lost. We suggest you hop on your cycle and get lost since your so good at it anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can call searching for yourself if you want. Or even that old worn out, “I need a ride to clear my head”. Well get a clue o.k. Ride with your arms up so you can clear out your armpits too.
Capricorn December 22 to January 19
Stay out of Sopchoppy next week. They're havin another one of them weird festivals and I think this one involves goats. Oh thats right I forgot. You were invited.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18
Listen up Aquaman/lady were in a hurt for some rain. Now being water bearers we kind think your slackin on your Aquarian responsibilities. So how about makin a little thunder by slappin Saturn up against Uranus and getting us a little rain. Just wait till I wash my bike though o.k.
Pisces Feb 19-March 20
Be wary next week. I heard someone say its been awhile since they have had seafood.
Our thanks to Sandhills Sammy.
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