(Grasshoppers, the knowledge passed on in this post was hard come by. No one person could have done this research and survived. Therefor I wish to gratefully thank Chainsaw for his assistance.)
We all know that when throwing a down home, old style, Biker pig pickin, that often the success or failure of the event and your reputation will be judged on the wine you choose to serve.
It's a dilemma that many of the current crop of Bikers (not having been to many down home pig pickings) find themselves facing more often than not. What with the increasingly popular and expensive Charity runs one must attend during the season.
Some things are only gained through experience you know.
So I was not surprised when I heard two “Bikers” in shiny leathers at the local Hooters bike night discussing their next function. I couldn't help hearing one express his confusion,
“You know,” he say's, “I can't decide, should I serve a
huge, smoky-oaked Chardonnay or a round, opulently flavored Merlot?”
His buddy responds with, “Well you know I have always been partial to the way the crispy acidic edginess of a
German Riesling or Pinot Gris from Germany cuts through the oil and refreshes the palette.”
Well, having consumed just a tad bit of wine in my time. I felt it my duty to offer my expertise. After-all they we are all “bro's,” are we not?
So I begged forgiveness for my intrusion on their conversation and politely said,
“Ya know, I couldn't help over hearing you and if I may be so bold as to share some of my limited experience I think I may be of some help.”
“Pray tell,” they both exclaimed at once, “please do.”
“Well look here,” I says, “I can tell by your factory made custom bikes that ya'll got bread and that cost ain't no object. But here's the gig. Once word gets out you gonna have a down home old school pig pickin you ain't got no idea how many Bikers gonna show.
Well hell unless you can get one of the local patch clubs to provide security, say whats a patch club? Oh well ok then, we can pretty much guarantee the possibility that some nefarious individuals may honor you with their presence since you ain't RSVP'ing.”
“Now heres a little secret that I am bettin you are not yet aware of. Wal-Mart, yes I said Walmart. You know them real big stores with lots of cars in front of them? Anyway, they are now offering customers a new discount item... their own brand of wine.”
“Yepper, they have teamed up with with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price - in the $2 to $5 range (
of course it ain't your 99 cent ripple or MD 20/20 but then this is a function, right?)”
“In fact
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas in Bentonville, Ark. said their wine be right tasty.
Heres a few my bro Chainsaw and I spent a weekend testing out to insure our biker events were a success (hmmm, I wonder if he ever made it back home?),
Chateau Traileur ParcSo named because you can always screw the cap back on and store the unfinished bottle under your trailer where the wheels use to be.
White TrashfindelThis is a personal favorite. I've found it goes particularly well with beads.
Big Red GulpOh you mean my ex-wife isn't invited. Nevermind then.
World Championship Riesling and NASCARbernetThis is always a big hit if you have any wrestling fans show up.
Chef BoyardeauxProbably not a good choice for pig pickin's. But for those cold days in the shop wrenchin it goes great with that can of Vienna Sausage
Grape Expectations180 grain alcohol and some grape concentrate, hell you can throw away the rest.
Nasti SpumanteUm, this is going to be a biker party ain't it?”
“Now look here,” I say's, “
While your looking at me crazy your drinking this cheap ass Hooters draft at a buck a cup and eating dorito's with cheez wiz thinkin it's wonderful cause you were served by your adolescent fantasy.”
“What you may wish to consider is you can serve these wines with anything.
Possum, Squirrel, Armadildoes, and any fresh road kill. Well hell it don't have to be fresh if you choose the Grape Expectations!”
“so whens the gig,” I asked, as they took their hankies out of their vest pockets, wiped of their seats and roared off into the night.
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We had no doubt in our minds that Florida would have no problem vying with an Ohio Jail as an abuser of Human Rights and Dignity. Consider the following:
